I hate my mother.

I used to just ignore what she had to say, but now, i realize it's okay to dislike the woman that made you.

For ten years now, i have been trying to get close to her. All she sees in her children are percentages of success. Fuck you. And because i'm gay, in her eyes that makes me a whore, useless, and will end up a hobo. Well fuck you.

I'm done trying to play daughter to her. She was my caretaker. Never a mother. I could never ask her for advice, because everything i do or did is wrong.

sure, there will be people telling me that they don't have a mother and that i should appreciate her while she's still in my life. I can tell you it's worse when you HAVE a 'mother' that doesn't support you, and hates you for being gay?

asdhflkjsfhlwieuafe FUCKSDF AKSjhasd one more time and i'll break.

Adele, oh, adele.

Adele has such a beautiful voice. A voice that reaches in and pulls out everything you feel.

I never expected anything. So why am i still so attached to someone that i'm absolutely happy to see obviously ecstatic with another?

No one reads this blog anymore.

And so, it's just another place for me to rant.

It's my birthday today. All going great so far. Close friends and family wished me but for some reason I'm still thinking about one person.

Why am i still thinking about her? It's been over 3-4 months and yet it stings like i've been cut yesterday. Maybe I'm terrified that the person that dominate my thoughts doesn't think about me the slightest. Terrified that I mean nothing to her that she can't even remember my birthday.

This is a side effect of tumblr i swear. I am not normally emotional out of the blue. I just can't get her out of my head.


I am disappointed that she hasn't contacted me at all. I'll be crushed if she doesn't for the next few days. If that happens, i will know that i am out of her life. Hold on, i know that very well. After all, it was I that walked out on her life. Nothing dramatic, people. I just had to leave that country due to my expiring visa at the moment.

I am not ashamed to say i still love her and miss her. She treated me like a princess and she helped me mature as the young adult I am today. We grew as a couple. An outstanding beautiful couple with massive potential.

I need sleep. I need her. I WANT her.

Moving on is not hard. Letting go is. Especially when you know you're letting go of something so good. It just doesn't make sense.

;(

im not one of them k-pop culture fan

.... but im sure im turning into one. DARN YOU SHIRLEY NGUI DARN YOU.

I often watch this program called "Invincible Youth" which is sorta like The Simple Life by Paris and Nicole - except with more people and in korean. =) It features a cast of k-pop celebs and i cant lie, but they're pretty amusing to watch.

Give them a try and you'll definitely be laughing along and listening to their music.

On another note, PARK GA HEE. (again, darn you shirley. darn you) Girl crush *SWOON*

I MEAN - she dances amazing! According to someone on youtube- she does MJ's dances better than Usher. respect.

gah.

Awesome smile too!

Publish Post

>:|

Im jealous.

Flying tomorrow

I just came back from being out with gia and char and their friends. Pretty interesting bunch. But i was suppose to be out with jesse and joash doing some zombie killing. =( i feel bad.


But hopefully i get to see them tomorrow before i leave. ;( awesome summer i had. seriously.


Pack. Pack. Gah. And i totally forgot my password for account for my online account. D: now i have to call them and reset a new password. it's going to be frustration LORD. my fault for having a goldfish's memory span.


i miss fwish and teh. =( asdjflasjf

Reviving my blog, passion and fitness

It's 2010 baby!

And I'm determined to get in shape and refuel my passion for the arts - through my blog. Killing three birds with one stone!

I realised that since I came back in December, I've put back on all the weight (and more) I've lost during my stay in Auckland. All this food, outings and family dinners are really catching up on me.

I mean I used to be so comfortable with my own body image. Now, that confidence is blinding me. I really need to keep in shape. But to be fair i did shed fat in NZ. But i know that's not enough!

All that said, Im only starting when i reach back in auckland. Reason?

It's CNY! I can't avoid large family dinners. T^T

GAH.

so yeah

no pictures. dont even bother at all. had a nice night with some people. nice. decent. not too bad.

but then i saw someone that reminded me of someone back in auckland, and no, it's not yasmin. and for some reason lots of people know yasmin already lmao.

tho i do wish i did somethings differently back then, i dont regret it. i learn. :P

sister is taking too long in the toilet D:

beautiful sunday morning!

what to do when you miss someone so terribly? even after you've tried msging that person, but afraid to call because you're scared to bother. second msg sent, and still no reply after days?

" ok i got what you mean. you dont want to see me again?"

"im going crazy over you please bloody send me a txt to let me know, at least, that you're still alive and breathing."

*sighigh.*

gotta keep your chin up no matter what!

and what do i do when i know i wont be seeing you again for the next few months.

I still think of times i had with you guys

Each and everyone of you back in secondary school. I've been insomniac for the past few nights, and all i think about are those wonderful happy happy times that i dreadfully miss.

And of course, it includes you, Aaron. That dream i had about you. Thanks.

For those who didnt read about my dream i posted on his facebook wall here it is. The day i remembered about what i dreamt, i had just had to post it up - right before catching the bus. I couldn't just leave it in my head.

so the dream went like this:

I was just standing there, facing this blank grey wall. Someone standing to my left, i couldn't make out who. I was just minding my own business and then this guy, familiar face - a face i knew i missed. He popped up from behind the wall I was facing. On him was a red polo, donned with thin horizontal white stripes. It took me a moment to realise who this guy was.

With a blank look, he handed me a pink box (very much like those cake boxes). Smiled and disappeared behind the very same wall. Confused much? VERY. I stood there holding that box - very very confused.

Seconds later, that guy, that devil of a guy. He came back behind the wall, "JUST JOKING LAH!" I was still pretty much confused. I smiled nonetheless. Blissed because he heard me and decided to give me a quick visit. He put his arm around me, started talking (cant remember about what). Right before he disappeared, he said, "So you're behaving right? I know you are. Keep it up! Be a good girl kay?" (there's a reason this means so much to me)

Guys, if you saw what you say you'd know he was in a much better place. His face was just beaming. It was seriously glowing, and he had the biggest, most genuine smile I've ever witness. It was so vivid, i cannot and will not forget that image.

And when i looked back at the box, it was a bowl. An orange bowl - very much like those kopitiam kolo mee bowls. "yes, he remembered our promise to enjoy a bowl of authentic kuching kolo mee together when i get back."

I miss you aaron. you know that. XD

One reason this meant so much to me is, not only did i 'asked' for a visit when i really missed him, but when i did - Jesse and Morgan told me being the person he was , he'd probably prank or surprised me. He did exactly that. And it's mind blowing. Including that bowl of kolo mee.

-----

And the rest of you guys! You know who you are, and even the ones who think they're not one of those im mentioning. When i say you guys, i meant it. All of you. 5A. 3B. I count my blessings everyday - and thank the good Lord i have such wonderful and accepting friends in the world.

Yes world, be jealous. BE F****** jealous. I have the BEST FRIENDS on earth. notice the s? PLURAL MUDAFUKKA. They are all F****** fantastic, you have no idea how amazing they are. Always there when you need them. And when you tell them something you fear might put them of, they surprise you and love you even more.

Best fucking friends in the world.

---

and as for my family. I never dared say how much i miss you guys - mainly because you idiots guys have some sort of unwritten policy to hardly say a word about missing each other or something. But damn, do i miss my brother. I was disappointed when he told me earlier that he might not be going back to Kch this year.

Little sis, you idiot - you'll get a good sisterly beating first thing i see you.

Old hag of an older sister - i love you, but let me help you! and tell me you love me too.

Mom - i've always told you and you know. sorry i get on your nerves too much, but sometimes you have to compromise.

Dad - i want to spend more time with you! D8 Like, sitting in front of the tv set and just watching a movie quietly - and then you with your comments on how ridiculous the movie and actors are.

<3

---

and i couldnt have asked for more when i met this girl - who is like a sister to me here. yasmin you ga7ba - this will sound gay. and it is. Im sooooo happy i have someone here who understands and accept me like the people back home. so im glad i met you , you nigga. HAHHA.

imsomniac now. i will try to sleep to wake up early to work on my portfolio.

slept during september

Realized that i didnt update zit during september. And no one woke me up when it ended as well. =(

I woke up myself. nyahah.

Well, finals are in a months time. Gotta sort everything - get back on track. Everything seems to be going well. Studies and all. Picking up slowly. Just hoping i dont somehow lose my mojo.

pls pls.

My bed awaits. Feeling tired after school these few days. Been waking up at 6am and earlier automatically. Feels good. Feels real good.

Missing you guys. XOXO

sick

I somehow managed to catch strep throat from my dear friend, yasmin. =.= Yes, it's infectious. SO i shouldnt go school unless i want to be blamed for giving half the college my sickness.

Great thing is, it's a friday, and i have two more days to heal without my attendence dropping.

Thanks to Panadol night, i finally got rid of that 2 day headache and decent rest. I reallly really dont like my immune system. Back of my throat there are ulcer look a likes everywhere. Disgusting. It looks like it's rotting. D8 so effin horrible. And i went online to learn more about it? The antibiotics given wouldnt neccessarily speed up the healing process - just stop it from being infectious. *sigh*

cant swallow without pain. cant spit without pain. ughh. And i cant eat till im satisfied because that might be too much and i might puke it all out and get hungry again. =(

argh. fml.

oh water!

i spilled a whole litre's worth of water on my carpet last night, and i didnt know. now it's all wet. =(

and omg, someone flyy me to arizona now! My love is waiting for me there! XDD

"love doesnt share itself with the world. love is suspicious. love is needy. love is fearful. love is greedy.

my friends, there is no great love without great jealousy." ~ bender

*i know that totally contradicts my opinion of polyamoric relationships, but it's so true, i have to share it*

Long live futurama.

p/s : leela is hot.

i friggin love art classes

I just love my art periods with my teacher, Jane. She's the coolest teacher EVER. The thing is she appreciates her students art works , so that means our works are on the wall in the college.

yep. It makes me feel good,.. like.. realllly goood. I have two of my woodcuts in the computer lab, one done on a canvas, near the library, and a huge A2 sized one , framed, in th

e principle's office.

ahhah big deal really. no one really looks at them Other students have their art up, esp Yasmin's, because she does really decorative ones.

yasmin, epitome of crazy.

And recently she painted her face, and i collabed by taking the photos! Jane's hubby, Ted,blew the pictures up, HUGE. i'll get pictures of them soon.

These are the ones, i think.

she does really amazing stuff this girl!

----

btw, had the best time last week end climbing up (literally, we got tired of keeping to the walking track, we decided to just climb up the steep hills. uber fun!) mount victoria in devonport. beautiful day it was!

so high up you can see the curve of the earth! that's jacklyn (who shares an uncanny resemblence to ling nie) , from penang!

XD

The beauty myth : Naomi Wolf

Currently reading : The beauty myth. Just 20 pages in, and im already stopping to step back and digest the information slowly - because it is that mindblowing.

Well, that's if you're a feminist. But i got my bubble burst, because seriously, no one is really spared. As long as makeup, weight , heels and cute clothes are involved - women still dont have complete freedom.

If you're thinking that it's a choice to dress up? Guess what? The media has bent your thinking into it is totally your choice. Read it, and think again.

And then again, it's a contradiction, because women now are rejoicing their bodies WITH makeup, a good figure , heels and cute clothes. Either that the thinking has been definitely altered with.

HMM??

Finally, a book im going to read till the end.

cheers.

oh noes!

Currently watching Royal Pains - a medical related series, because ive been deprived of House m.d. so much, i need something to fill in while the next season gets aired.]

Not like Royal Pains can come close to being as great as House m.d. .

But woe is me, as i just learnt that next season is airing on the 21st of sep.

D:<

[edit] Royal pains = very lame. OKay. Not SO lame. But if you adore House like i do, this series is mediocre. Hank Lawson , the main character in this series, is smart and humble. That's just boring. I wouldnt be watching it if it wasnt for the ridiculously hot cast in the show. 4/10.

ai, do the bamboo

Only one paper left. Geography. Last paper. geo is ALWAYS the last paper or something. =.= And guess what? It weighs 30% instead of the 5% or 10% the other papers are. two and a half hours.

ZZZ. Be burning the midnight oil tonight!

miss you guys back home btw.

durhurr exams

NO updates anytime soon. just here to say that, statistics suck.

BIg time.

Phone call scare

I swore i couldve pissed in my pants when i got this particular phone call from this particular person. No it was michael jackson. If it was, i would be up there with him.

I cant say who or what, because people actually read this blog and i dont want that person to know. But i swear. It has scared me enough to reset most of the things i needed resetting.

BUt that was only for a moment. I was shaking. Then i realised, it was actually a wake up call. Goodthing eh? Yes. Plus a dear friend of mine even told me she'd give me a wake up call too. She's all the way in the states. (how sweet!)

It's all good really. i just need to set somethings straight. And i'll be back on my feet - ready to conquer the exams next week. =) *okay, not conquer. just... sit for*

OMGOMGOMG.

Our love will never end, waiting for the soldier to come back again. Never more to be alone. When a letter said, a soldier's coming home.

--

Two days past eighteen. He was waiting for the bus in his army green. Sat down in a booth, the cafe there. Gave his orders to a girl with a bow in her hair.

He's a little shy so she gives him a smile. And he said, "Would you mind sitting down for a while and talk to me? Im feeling a little low."

She said, "Im off in an hour and i know where we can go."

So they went down and sat on the pier. "I betcha got a boyfriend but i dont care, i got no one. To send a letter to.

Would you mind if i send one back here to you?"

So the letters came from an army camp. In california then vietnam. And he told her of his heart might be loving all the things he was so scared of. He said, "When it's getting kinda rough over here, I think of that day sittin down on the pier. And i close my eyes and see your pretty smile.

Dont worry but i wont be able to write for a while."

.

One Friday night at a football game. The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang. A man said "Folks, would you bow your heads for a list of local - Vietnam dead."

Crying all alone under the stands. Was a piccolo player in the marching band. And one name read but nobody really cared.

But a pretty little girl, with a bow in her head.

I cried. Never gonna hold the hand of another guy. Too young for him they told her, waiting for the love of a traveling soldier. Our love will never end, waiting for the soldier to come back again. Never more to be alone.

When a letter said, a soldier's coming home.